stormfallen: (martel - not afraid of being sick)
weeeeeelllll, fuck this shit.

Just needed to get that out of my system. I am happy despite life. Kinda.

I wonder if the fact that I can't stand my mom telling me that I'm emotionally immature makes me immature in the first place? Or is it just because she's my mom? I really need to stop telling her things, but I suck at lying, and she won't stand for "I don't wanna talk about it" as an answer.

Hng....just frustrating....the one place I applied to that actually called me in for an interview turned me down this rate I'm going to end up back at CVS. DX Uh well...I guess....the uniforms are nicer now? :| And Kassandra + Alex W are still there, so life will be somewhat interesting...

I kind of regret changing my Facebook relationship status--It was kind of a "oh I'm on Facebook today to check messages and I guess I should change that cuz I'm dating now" thing but...of course one day later, I decide I'd rather just be friends...I still need to talk to him about it. >.< I feelings haven't really changed. I value his friendship a lot but I can't see myself doing more that that. And it would be lying to stay with him while I'm thinking about someone else most of the time...of course, that's even MORE complicated and I don't feel like dealing with it right now.

Oh hey, I haven't used this tag in a while. :|

(Speaking of FB my stalker from school won't stop trying to friend me and it's driving me NUTS. I blocked him on IM but it's like he can't take a hint....of course, I knew that already, but. DX Ugh I'm too nice. I tried to put up with him and then ended up just cutting off contact instead of explaining why, but...he really creeped me out...asking all those personal questions...ASKING ME OUT OVER IM OF ALL THINGS ugh. GO AWAYYYY PLEASE.)
stormfallen: (kingdom hats)
.... amused.

So, my brother was watching me play Kingdom Hearts II (my Proud Mode game, I'm about to fight Luxord) and, well. He's started the game, but he got frustrated with the whole Roxas thing, and he decided he'd play the first game so he'd know what the hell was going on. Despite the fact that the Disney stuff makes him cringe. (He's 21. XD ) Can't say I'm not happy. Even if he keeps talking about how the creators were on acid and how gay Sora and Riku are. (it mostly amuses the hell out of me. Obviously the fangirls didn't pull it out of nowhere.) So I stayed up till nearly 5 am to help with with the puzzles...and now I regret it...-_- I think I'll go take a nap once I'm done checking messages...but it's nice to bond with my brother, considering we were always at each other's throats when we were younger. (Read: He went out of his way to pick on me and I didn't like it.) I guess he's grown up a bit. Emotionally, at least.

Urgh. I was expecting to get the extra money from working on Monday but I don't get it until next week, because the period ended before that. Which means I don't have any extra money to get my tablet with, and once I buy that and pay rent for this month, I'll be flat broke till my next check. But I don't want to wait a whole nother damn week for this. Ughhhh.

At least I'll be hanging with Becca and Emurii this weekend...something to look forward to. And I got an extra hour online. (I think) So now my internet time is from 9 am to 12 pm and 3pm to 5 pm. So I will actually be on when people are home from school, thank god. Gah. My parents drive me crazy.

...and sometime very soon I have to go to JoAnn's, because I need the materials for my Halloween costume AND I promised my sister I'd help her with hers...>.< And I have to finish Joe's Kuja costume soon because he's been doing such an amazing job with my 1st Tsurugi...(god I can't wait to see that thing when it's finished.) Then I have to get my ass in gear and finish Cloud, and start Guy...and finish Asch's Sora that I've been promising her AND help her with...Asch, haha. And Sophie's movie!Al, which I have also been promising her for forever, but that'll take me maybe 5 hours tops. (2.5 for the jacket and 2.5 for the shirt. It's nice and simple)

.....then, maybe, I can look into finishing Martel (ohhh I screwed up bigtime with that one, but I hope so badly it's salvageable, because I worked so hard on it) and consider making my suuuperrr seeecret costume for Anime Expo 2008. (yes we are going. It'll be amazing. <3 )

...I hate myself sometimes. I really do.

Alex wants me to come to the BAGLY Halloween dance, but...I don't know. I'd rather not be in the middle of a bunch of people grinding. The costumes do not make it any better, just as the dresses didn't make it any better at prom. Don't people dance in a normal way anymore? (I sound so old and crochety.) Also, I really don't want people hitting on me. I don't like it. Maybe I'm flattering myself, but ehh. I find it creepy, no matter who it is. .......except for one person, of course. Which is exactly why. that I think about it, whether she was joking around or not, I never had a problem with Leonie hitting on me. God, why did it take me so long to figure things out?

moshi mo sekai ga kawaru no nara
nani mo shiranai koro no watashi ni
tsurete itte omoide ga iro asenai you ni
tsurete itte setsunasa ga oitsukanai you ni
stormfallen: (cloud frame)
So uh...prom? I don't have pictures yet, don't hurt me. I just woke up. You should see my hair. >.>

I...don't know. I would have regretted not going, though I expected it to be a disaster, and it kind of was, but a necessary disaster, you know? One of those things you just have to get over and done with. And it leaves you a better person or some crap like that. The dress made everything better. Alex says I need to go to more parties and learn to loosen up. Well, great.

So...I guess I'll go into detail for people who don't really know my friends. Alex was my date--we've known each other since 6th grade, so that wasn't awkward even though he has a girlfriend. (Who was very nice about it, too) We got there just in time for dinner (because my mom insisted on taking a billion pictures before we left) which wasn't that great anyway. (the chicken was probably just paper. Cake was okay, but we only got a slice each, unlike junior prom, where dessert was an open buffet. I could've used more sugar...Anyway, we sat at a table with Lindsay, Cal?, Gabi and Tom, Lyuda? and her date, Emurii, Rob and Max. We stole a chair from another table, hah. Then we danced for four hours. Seriously. That's all there was to do. Well, there were professional photographers but I didn't bother. Except...I don't dance. Really.

The dance floor at modern parties gets disgustingly crowded; I don't think parents understand this. People will grind in fancy dresses. I'm not okay with that. I appreciate my friends attempts to make me more "social", but I'm not comfortable making that kind of contact with certain people, especially people I don't know very well.

...okay, not even with my friends. This does not mean I'm uptight. Sometimes I just wish people would leave me alone about it. I'm not repressed. I'm just almost completely disinterested in things sexual involving myself. I probably would've slowdanced with someone; well, ZackBecca's Alex tried to teach me for a little while, which I was actually fine with, just a little nervous. And I don't mind the whole dancing facing people thing, as long as there's some distance involved. There just...weren't many songs I wanted to dance to. There weren't many songs I knew period. (Of course, I had to get up and make an effort for Hips Don't Lie, but blame KH fandom for that one....)

I was getting tired, too...parties are exhausting. I don't have a lot of stamina. That's not me being anti-social, that's me being tired. I also pinpointed the reason I stared making frequent trips outside to be alone for a while.

Because there was someone I would've gone all out and danced with, but she wasn't there. And there was no way she could've been, either.

I've always thought about myself as a reasonable person when it came to these things, watching my friends date and break up and angst, and well, I was. Because I just didn't care to involve myself in the same sort of thing. Maybe it was my hormones, I don't know. I'm not shy of physical contact, even though it seems like it--I like hugging people, I just am hyperaware of other people's limits, and I'm always afraid of pushing them. I also won't hug someone if there's a chance they'll touch my ass, but that's a different story...>.>

I thought I'd know when I fell in love with someone, wanted to be with someone; I thought I'd never had a crush because I never had any definitive feeling that said "Woah! Love here." And I still haven't. I've had infatuations with several people, two girls, and a few fictional guys. I don't know what the hell that means.

I just...ache. And I can't do this thing, this thing where I experiment and try to find someone else because that's not the way I am, I can't "try" without it meaning anything. Alex came out and talked to me about it, which really helped even though I took a long time to explain what was wrong (I thought I learned how to be honest, but I guess that only counts for Ashley) and let me know that I'm not the only person that has stupid confusing feelings like this, but...I don't know. I really don't.

I know I need to get past this, I know I need to get over her because it's just a crush and it won't work out. And please don't try to tell me it will, because it won't. There are too many circumstances against me. I had a hunch about it for a while, when I first realized it, and I thought I'd be okay. I thought I could be like Tomoyo from CCS and be happy as long as she was happy, even if it was with someone else but goddammit, this hurts and I'm crying, and I don't know maybe I'm just tired. Maybe this whole thing will blow over in a few days, weeks. Something.


The after party was good, even though I was nearly dead...there was real food and dessert, and I won a raffle, though it was for an oil change, and I don't have a car, so i gave it to someone (I don't remember who, it was 2 in the morning, give me a break) and Emurii gave me this glass flower thing that she won. We basically played volleyball with a giant inflatable beachball for the rest of the night (morning), though I took a break and doodled (not yaoi for once lol) some CloudTifa because I was feeling lonely...(didn't have my sketchbook at the hotel, of course. I picked it up at home) Got home at 4 after driving people, Alex went home and I crashed. And here I am.

I...don't know.


stormfallen: (Default)
✧ enzel ✧

November 2014



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