stormfallen: (cloud frame)
So uh...prom? I don't have pictures yet, don't hurt me. I just woke up. You should see my hair. >.>

I...don't know. I would have regretted not going, though I expected it to be a disaster, and it kind of was, but a necessary disaster, you know? One of those things you just have to get over and done with. And it leaves you a better person or some crap like that. The dress made everything better. Alex says I need to go to more parties and learn to loosen up. Well, great.

So...I guess I'll go into detail for people who don't really know my friends. Alex was my date--we've known each other since 6th grade, so that wasn't awkward even though he has a girlfriend. (Who was very nice about it, too) We got there just in time for dinner (because my mom insisted on taking a billion pictures before we left) which wasn't that great anyway. (the chicken was probably just paper. Cake was okay, but we only got a slice each, unlike junior prom, where dessert was an open buffet. I could've used more sugar...Anyway, we sat at a table with Lindsay, Cal?, Gabi and Tom, Lyuda? and her date, Emurii, Rob and Max. We stole a chair from another table, hah. Then we danced for four hours. Seriously. That's all there was to do. Well, there were professional photographers but I didn't bother. Except...I don't dance. Really.

The dance floor at modern parties gets disgustingly crowded; I don't think parents understand this. People will grind in fancy dresses. I'm not okay with that. I appreciate my friends attempts to make me more "social", but I'm not comfortable making that kind of contact with certain people, especially people I don't know very well.

...okay, not even with my friends. This does not mean I'm uptight. Sometimes I just wish people would leave me alone about it. I'm not repressed. I'm just almost completely disinterested in things sexual involving myself. I probably would've slowdanced with someone; well, ZackBecca's Alex tried to teach me for a little while, which I was actually fine with, just a little nervous. And I don't mind the whole dancing facing people thing, as long as there's some distance involved. There just...weren't many songs I wanted to dance to. There weren't many songs I knew period. (Of course, I had to get up and make an effort for Hips Don't Lie, but blame KH fandom for that one....)

I was getting tired, too...parties are exhausting. I don't have a lot of stamina. That's not me being anti-social, that's me being tired. I also pinpointed the reason I stared making frequent trips outside to be alone for a while.

Because there was someone I would've gone all out and danced with, but she wasn't there. And there was no way she could've been, either.

I've always thought about myself as a reasonable person when it came to these things, watching my friends date and break up and angst, and well, I was. Because I just didn't care to involve myself in the same sort of thing. Maybe it was my hormones, I don't know. I'm not shy of physical contact, even though it seems like it--I like hugging people, I just am hyperaware of other people's limits, and I'm always afraid of pushing them. I also won't hug someone if there's a chance they'll touch my ass, but that's a different story...>.>

I thought I'd know when I fell in love with someone, wanted to be with someone; I thought I'd never had a crush because I never had any definitive feeling that said "Woah! Love here." And I still haven't. I've had infatuations with several people, two girls, and a few fictional guys. I don't know what the hell that means.

I just...ache. And I can't do this thing, this thing where I experiment and try to find someone else because that's not the way I am, I can't "try" without it meaning anything. Alex came out and talked to me about it, which really helped even though I took a long time to explain what was wrong (I thought I learned how to be honest, but I guess that only counts for Ashley) and let me know that I'm not the only person that has stupid confusing feelings like this, but...I don't know. I really don't.

I know I need to get past this, I know I need to get over her because it's just a crush and it won't work out. And please don't try to tell me it will, because it won't. There are too many circumstances against me. I had a hunch about it for a while, when I first realized it, and I thought I'd be okay. I thought I could be like Tomoyo from CCS and be happy as long as she was happy, even if it was with someone else but goddammit, this hurts and I'm crying, and I don't know maybe I'm just tired. Maybe this whole thing will blow over in a few days, weeks. Something.

................

The after party was good, even though I was nearly dead...there was real food and dessert, and I won a raffle, though it was for an oil change, and I don't have a car, so i gave it to someone (I don't remember who, it was 2 in the morning, give me a break) and Emurii gave me this glass flower thing that she won. We basically played volleyball with a giant inflatable beachball for the rest of the night (morning), though I took a break and doodled (not yaoi for once lol) some CloudTifa because I was feeling lonely...(didn't have my sketchbook at the hotel, of course. I picked it up at home) Got home at 4 after driving people, Alex went home and I crashed. And here I am.

I...don't know.

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✧ enzel ✧

November 2014

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