stormfallen: (bunneh ears)
[personal profile] stormfallen
It's kind of sad how disproportionate things are online. I was actually just having a convo about how if some bunch of aliens were monitoring our news/internet/communications, they'd think Earth was the worst place to live ever because all people ever talk about is the shitty things that happen.

Naturally what do I do: I perpetuate this by only posting in my LJ when I'm upset about something. 8)

But nahhhh. Things are never as bad as they seem, media is just a good way of getting those frustrations out. I'm sure I could write a paper on it if I really wanted to.


The real subject of today's bitching is how I've finally started seeing some therapists that are helping me change the way I think and make progress and I actually leave their offices feeling good about myself...and then I go home and my mom ruins my mood again. Awesome. Great job, you're shooting yourself in the foot, because that's YOUR money that's paying for them, darling. Leave me the fuck alone to sort out my life, because obviously you butting in doesn't help, if the last FOUR YEARS are any indication.

Of course when I try to explain this she takes it personally and goes on about how she loves me even though I don't (I never said that?) and I hurt her feelings and make her stressed. UH. Okay. I don't even. I haven't sworn at her or insulted her since that one time, which I apologized for even though she kind of deserved it. Am I being a little priviledged? Maybe. But it doesn't excuse her seeking me out to nitpick over MY life and then saying it stresses her out. YOU approach ME, not the other way around. I'm sorry I stress you out just by existing, mom. Maybe if you chilled out and actually let me handle things you would find it easier to relax.

But of course that won't happen, because she has to make sure I'm doing something "productive" every second of the day, and god forbid I take a break to play a video game, because only twelve year olds play video games!! Apparently. So my choice in entertainment is just another sign to her that I'm unable to grow up. Or something.

And people wonder why I don't try to explain things to her--it's because every time I try to get her to see my point of view, she takes it personally and twists it around to be about her, exactly like her own mother does. This is why Grandma drives you up the wall, mom, why are you imitating her. This isn't about you, it's about me, and you're the one who tells me to be selfish and take care of myself before others, including my girlfriend. Yet you want me to put YOU first? Not happening.

I guess the one comfort is that my CBT specialist confirmed that my mom has actual issues of her own, which makes me feel a little less crazy. It doesn't make her priviledge and condescension any easier to deal with, though. Considering I can't fix her problems, and she'd get insulted if I suggested SHE get a therapist, so I have to work around them while fixing myself at the same time.

Yes, I'm not the best daughter, especially right now. I make mistakes, I can be rude and irritable and antisocial and unmotivated, but hey. Maybe that's because I'm chemically depressed? Being patient is not "enabling" me, it's called being supportive. Basically my entire family seems to run on negative reinforcement except for me, and they don't seem to understand it just makes it worse.

Sigh.


I need a job, but there's not guarantee that won't just give me more headaches. At least I'll have money, I guess.

Things that are actually good: I'm drawing again. I almost have 100% completion in BBS. (why does Aqua level so slowly compared to the other two whyyy) I've been sewing a lot lately and I might actually (gasp!) have a costume done ahead of time...

Eh that's all I can think of right now. Back to job hunting it is.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-09 07:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zeffncompany.livejournal.com
I don't find myself in any place to give advice, firstly because the reason I fell out with my father before I moved out was over religion (mostly). Secondly because I haven't made much effort talking to or seeing him for a very long time since. I just gave up, I guess.

All I can say is - if you don't mind an old man saying so -, I'm very proud to read what I just saw. It's a vicious battle, but you're breaking the cycle. The next generation does not need to follow in the steps of the previous, and you're proving that. I know it will always seem to get harder long before it gets any better, but I have faith that you'll make it to the other side.

Your mother may be trapped, but you've found the door and you're approaching it step by step. One day and soon, you'll be free - not from her, of course; from the anger and the grief. I believe that is what's important.

Hang in there, and I wish you all the best. And when you find that job, I hope it will be something that you enjoy doing.

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